I was driving home from a party one night on country roads when an unexpected snowstorm comes up, and soon i find the roads are dark and empty. I pass a sign – “last services 27 miles” – and pull into the dingy gas station for fuel, snacks and a bathroom break. It is dimly lit and something about it is creepy. I’m glad to be pulling away when suddenly screeee… thud. You skid and your car goes into a ditch! You’re unhurt, but the car isn’t going anywhere. There’s no way a tow can get through this mess. It looks like i have two choices: Try to wait out the storm overnight in your car, or hike back to the creepy gas station and stay the night there. Ugh.
But what should i do? I guess I’ll go to the creepy gas station that seems like less work. I get up and head to the gas station. I go inside the mini market to ask for help. This looks like a party. The mini market has about two dozens of tables, mostly all occupied, and with a huge plasma television against the wall. They are all watching the movie, Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist. That explains all the teenagers here. Not all of them are teenagers but most of them are. There’s a beautiful young blonde girl with what seems to be her friend. A very slim brunette female. The blonde is sitting on the table next to the door. I go up to her and ask, “What’s going on here?” She looks up with a face that says, who the fuck are you? “Every Friday night the gas station plays movies just for the fun of it.” Oh cool. I walk by and take a seat on the open table next to the blond woman. I’ve never seen this movie. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. BOOM! Thunder. And then a strange man walks inside. He’s wearing a blue coat with a white button up shirt and white jeans. With long hair and a long beard. A red neck with a sense of fashion. Nice. He screams, “I need some gas on number 2!” I look to my right and i see the blond woman digging into his coat pocket, stealing his wallet. Shit. The guy at the cash register tells the man to go register to pay. He walks over the cash register and digs his hand inside his pocket. He starts noticing its gone missing. “What the heck! I swear i had my wallet when i walked inside.” He turns around and we make eye contact. He points at me and yells, “You! You have it. After all you are staring at me.” “I swear i don’t have it.”, i object. A young teenage girl stands up and says, “He did not! I had my eyes on him ever since he walked in.” She turns and looks to me, “By the way you are so hot!” The old man yells, “I don’t believe it! You look like the bad boy type.” What the heck. Right cause a Beatles shirt is so bad ass. The blond girl stands up and yells, “I have it! Are you going to beat me up?” The old man has a confused face and yells, “No but I’m going to chase you.” The blond girl gets up and runs out the door. The old man chases her immediately out the door. And i see out the window and she runs to my car, gets inside, and locks the door. Shit. Go away. I get up and head out the door to my car. The old man screams, “Open the door!” The blond woman shakes her head and sticks up her tongue. So mature for a woman. She’s a blond so that explains everything. The blond woman says, “I’ll open the door and give you the wallet if you do me a favor.” The old man replies, “What favor?” I’m so nervous. I think i have my pepper spray inside my car. Gosh i hope she doesn’t find it. “You will climb that tree and get balloon that has an engagement ring attached to it. It’s been there all night. Get it and we will trade.” And so the old man starts to climb the tree and a branch rips. But it’s no typical tree branch. Inside the thick tree are wires from what seems to be a camera attached to it. What the heck? Am i getting Punk’d? But he continues to climb. And a huge group of men come toward us. One men in his thirty’s yells, “Hey! You stupid! You broke my camera! I’ve been spying on that Gas station for months and now it’s broken with its footage that comes along with it. All those months of me trying to get an insider of James Patterson hiding and living inside the gas station, is all gone!” Right after he’s done with his sentence the police come. Thank god. I see James Patterson coming out the mini market and takes off his shirt. He reveals his new tatto that says, Forget The Paparazzi! It’s all about fiction and shampain. A bottle to myself, savor the taste of fabricated wealth.
Now what am i going to tell the police? At least i got the help i needed to rescue my car. And myself from this madness.